It's Not Easy Being Evil: Sauron's Diary
by Luinramwen
Summary: It is NOT easy being evil. Annoying fashion-conscious Nazgul. Overbearing wizards. Stupid Balrogs. Annoying hobbits who keep stealing your stuff...
1. Stupid Balrogs

Intro - It's not easy being evil. Especially when you have to deal with annoying Nazgul, overbearing wizards, stupid good people always bent on defeating you, and no one to play cards with. Sauron did not have a clue what he was letting himself in for when he decided to become Lord of Middle-Earth...

Entry 1

Good news. :-) 

Beat that sissy Balrog King in a Crazy 8's tourney. What a sore loser! All right, I admit that I only won because he kept burning the cards with his 'dark fire of Udun', or sliming them up when I doused him with water to stop him burning them. But I STILL BEAT HIM!!

Later: Stupid Balrog slimed up my swimming pool ON PURPOSE!! Stupid sore loser. Melkor mad at me for beating on the 'flame of Udun' and booting him into the dungeon. Stupid Melkor. Who does he think he is, the Lord of Arda?

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Entry 2

Bad news. :-( 

Those stupid Valar finally decided to 'rescue' those stupid weenie weaklings of Men, Elves, and Dwarves. They're so whiny. It's stupid. Anyhow, they got Melkor and kicked him off the planet, but they missed me. :-) Oh, all right, I'll admit it. I got scared and ran off. 

Varda's prettiful when she's mad, except she's too NICE and GOOD for my tastes. Yuck! I wonder where I can find someone evil like me?...

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Entry 3

REALLY bad news. :-( 

Stupid dragons flew off. Stupid Balrogs are hiding. Stupid werewolves ran off. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Well, I'm gonna be taking over from Melkor soon anyways, so I guess those stupid creatures will just have to SUCK IT UP!! Muahahahahahaaa...

Note to self: Hire therapist. Am getting suspicion that I am letting rage get the better of me.

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Entry 4

Good news. :-)

Found a new way to torture prisoners for information. Annoying Japanese anime show theme songs really work! Tested it on some stupid Elf-dude I caught. Though I no longer have a dungeon, I will keep that in mind to add to N'Sync, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, The Song that Doesn't End, old Star Trek reruns, Orcs performing Broadway musicals, the rack, and boring math classes. When I DO get another dungeon, we will be very well equipped.

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Entry 5

Hiding for centuries is really boring. I mean REALLY boring. So boring my eyeballs are almost rolling out of my head. That would be a very entertaining sensation - oh EW, what am I saying?!

I am getting VERY sick of Ping-Pong and bridge, but there is absolutely nothing else to do. I'm even getting sick of swimming in my secret hideout's indoor swimming pool. Stupid pool's too small. 

Stupid good people. I hate being evil.

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	2. Stupid Men

Entry 6

Finally! 

My situation is changing for the best. Thank goodness for Numenor. Ha ha. Stupid Men. They're so gullible. My evil plan is working!! Before long I'll be able to knock the Valar down from their position of worship to being worth little more than ants to the Men. Yes!! The Valar are gonna be sooo pissed. I've been trying to achieve this for centuries! Now I've succeeded! Heehaw!!

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Entry 7

Geez this sucks.

Stupid Men. Stupid Valar. Numenor got sunk. I drowned because no one had the decency to warn me. I lost my body. X-(. Thankfully my therapist, stupid quack though he is, was able to work a lot of anger out of me.

I think I'm gonna go sulk for a couple millenia.

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Entry 8

Muahahahaaa! So happy today. :-) Made 17 rings and passed them out to real dumb Men and Dwarves. I kept the coolest one for myself. Ha. Except the stupid Elves made their own. Oh well. At least now I can turn the Men into cool, evil, mindless servants. I can have a REAL Crazy 8's tournament now. No one else will play. :-( 

Other than that, I love being evil.

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Entry 9

Men became Ringwraiths today. So happy. I love being evil. My therapist, stupid ignorant quack that he is, says he hasn't seen me so happy for an Age. The Ringwraiths will do anything I tell them to. Ha ha! Stupid wraiths. Being evil is sooo fun. Got cool new house too - an evil tower of doom in an evil land of doom. Got my own personal volcano of doom too. Got a cool new swimming pool too, just as good and big as the one I had in Angband, except better, because there are no stupid Balrogs sliming it up. Got lots of Orcs under my command too. V. happy. I am now a cool giant freaky Eye of Doom. I can put fear in the hearts of everyone. How's that for someone who spend way too many centuries in indignity and obscurity?

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Entry 10

The Elves are running around like chicken with their heads cut off. My Ringwraiths are terrorizing everyone. I have a huge army, pretty gold jewellry, and I won a Monopoly tournament today. Ha ha! Orcs have no luck when it comes to games. Ya gotta love it.

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	3. Stupid Orcs

Entry 10

The Elves are running around like chicken with their heads cut off. My Ringwraiths are terrorizing everyone. I have a huge army, pretty gold jewellry, and I won a Monopoly tournament today. Ha ha! Orcs have no luck when it comes to games. Ya gotta love it.

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Entry 11

Stupid Elves. Stupid Men. Stupid Isildur. Even my quack of a therapist can't help me get over this. Isildur cut off my finger, the one with MY RING. X-O It hurt!! Stupid Orcs lost it. Now I lost all my power. Stupid tower fell down. I'm gonna go sulk until they find it again.

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Entry 12

Back to Ping-Pong and bridge. Stupid Orcs don't know how to play, though Nazgul are quite good. 

I am so bored. I even tried going to South Mirkwood for an extended vacation, but stupid Istari went off half-cocked from Isengard (stupid place) and interrupted my relaxation by trying to scare me off. Dumb wizard everyone called Saruman got all dressed up in white and with freaky makeup, pretended to be stupid ghost. Well, that was real stupid, but I left anyways, because what can you do when these idiots come barging in on you? And it wasn't so relaxing any more. 

Stupid Saruman can't scare me: I've got 9 Nazgul hanging around the place at home (not counting my armies in the morning Aiyaa! @|@).

Note to self: Renovate my evil tower of doom. It's getting extremely dilapidated.

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Entry 13

Found out I've got a nice big evil spidey-thingymahooey guarding the other pass into Mordor. She's not stupid, she's cool! And she doesn't even need to be paid, unlike some others I could mention -_- *cough*ORCS*cough*NAZGUL* cough*. All she wants is to be able to eat everything that comes through her way, which is fine by me and saves me a lotta trouble. Paid her a visit last Saturday and had a v. enjoyable tea together. Found out her name is Shelob, and she's real nice, except she only knows how to play poker -_-, which sucks because I HATE poker. Tried to teach her Spit, but she wasn't happy about that and threatened to eat me. Oh well. The Nazgul are better for cards anyhow.

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Entry 14

Finally got my nice tower rebuilt properly :-). Even built a cute little town for the Orcs and the rest of my armies to live in when they're not off fighting and playing War. I call it 'Lugburz' which means 'cute little town' in the Black Speech*. 

NAzgul are not happy because they aren't terrorizing people, even sulked when I organized an arm-wrestling tourney, just for them. Geez, what do you have to do to keep dead guys happy?! I'm doing my best to take over the world again so they can roam free, but I can't find MY RING! o Bloody well can't conquer the world until I find it again. Stupid men lost it, so stupid men can damn well find it. One day I'm gonna send my Nazgul out after it.

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Entry 15

Found weird little black thing wandering around outside Mordor today. Orcs caught it and brought it to me. It says its name is Gollum and that it was delighted that I had invited it home, but it could only stay for tea and it had to be home before dark. Ignored it, and sent it to the torturing chamber to get info from it. It hasn't talked yet, stupid stubborn thing, but by the sounds of the screams coming from the theatre where my Orcs are just finishing performing 'The Sound of Music' for the twenty-fourth time, it should be spilling its guts soon. I love being evil, though my therapist says such sadist tendencies are not good. 

Seriously considering firing my stupid therapist.

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* Not really, but I have artistic license ;-)


	4. Stupid Hobbits

Entry 16

I was right! I was sooo right! The Nazgul chiefy-dude owes me big bucks! He said the thing wouldn't blab until Wednesday, but I said Monday and I WAS RIGHT!! Take that, stupid dead man! The Lord of Evility and Doomness wins again.

Note to self: send Nazgul out to this Shire place to look for some freaky little dude called Baggins. Apparently he stole MY RING. He'll pay, the stupid lousy thief...

Another note to self: find out for certain what the heck that Baggins thing is. What did the skinny little green guy say? Bobber? Hoobit? Sherbet? Rabbit - Never mind, it was hobbit. They'll all pay.

Being evil is the best job in the world. :-)

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Entry 17

Stupid hobbits. Stupid Nazgul. Lost their horses and had to come whining back for more. Today was not a good day. Caught stupid Orcs playing stupid game, "I spy with my little eye..." V. insulting when one is an Eye. Stupid Ring escaped again, into Elven territory, so I can't get at it. That stupid Elrond. I also found out today that MY STUPID RING was hiding in the stupid Shire place for over 60 STUPID YEARS!! How stupid is that?! 

If only I'd made a Teddy Bear of Power, instead of a Ring of Power, I'd have found it a lot easier. There aren't all that many teddy bears in Middle-Earth that make you go evil.

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Entry 18

My stupid therapist says that I'm so pissed off all the time because my stupid vocabulary is limited (stupid idea) and I can't express myself properly. He gave me a stupid thesaurus and told me to quit saying, 'stupid'. My therapist is idiotic, but what the hell, I'll try the silly quack's advice.

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Entry 19

Still can't get at those asinine hobbits that have MY RING. 

Good news, though. :-) Balrog in dumb old Moria offered to eat them if they came anywhere near him. Perfect. If he eats those witless hobbits I can force the Balrog to give back MY RING. I love being evil.

My armies played War in Umbar today. They've got lots of good cards up their sleeves (literally) ;-). Won, naturally ( I taught them everything I know) so now I've got even more armies. :-) 

Note to self: Challenge Denethor next. I hear he calls himself quite an expert at card games. Ha. Let's see him take on the master...

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Entry 20

Haha! Saruman (yeah that's right, the ghosty man) used the pretty glowing pair of rocks that both of us own, that sees stuff, and I convinced him to join me. (I felt pretty st - DUMB, really. He ALWAYS wears white and looks freaky. Oops.)

At least now his armies can do all the dirty work for me. Now I have more time to do important stuff, instead of all the gruntwork, which I'm not much good at, being a giant flaming Eyeball of Doomness and all. I'm VERY good at reading, however, so I'm getting into this new self-help book called, "How To Take Over The World Without Ever Leaving Your Evil Tower of Doom." V. informative. You'd think the person who wrote it was an expert. That senseless Denethor doesn't stand a chance. 

Later: The person who wrote "How To Take Over The World Without Ever Leaving Your Evil Tower of Doom" really WAS an expert. It was Melkor who wrote it. Oops.

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	5. Crass Nazgul

Entry 21

Brainless, addled Nazgul!! They claim that they got head colds so they can't sniff out that stu- FOOLISH, Baggins person who took MY RING anymore!! AAAAAAAAARRRRRG! DIE YOU DENSE NAZGUL!!! 

Wait. Scratch that. Aren't they ALREADY dead? Oops....

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Entry 22

Nazgul sulked for ages when I yelled at them for being retarded wimps. Forced to apologize, however, in case they decided to go on strike. Also promised new uniform. They find the black ones too dull, apparently, and were thinking of a more 'in' style. As the head Nazgul informed me, "Black robes are SO last Age." 

Never knew Nazgul kept up with fashoin trends, though it would explain the Sears catalogue I found under Nazgul #4's mattress.

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Entry 23

So pissed off today. Crass Balrog got itself killed off by a bearded old geezer. KILL THE OLD GEEZER!! Witless Baggins escaped again. Foiled! Why does everything always happen to ME? X-O

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Entry 24

Found out what idiotic Nazgul want as new uniform.

I'm still in shock. Fuzzy pink slippers. Pink tanks tops. Bellbottoms made of sparkly pink material. I am scared out of my mind.

But hey, if it scares ME, it will definitely put terror in the hearts of others. I'm considering it, except the Pink Riders doesn't sound nearly as ominous as the Black Riders...

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Entry 25

Gave the Nazgul their new uniforms today. Currently they are strutting around my evil tower of doom scaring the crap out of my Orcs. I oughta tell them to stop it, but I haven't seen them so cheerful for an Age. Besides, is v. funny to see Orcs run off screaming at the sight of what looks like 9 teenage mutant girls. Haha! Never mind that when they modelled them for me, I nearly ran off screaming too. Except I don't have a body, so I can't move. 

Crass Nazgul.

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	6. Idiotic Therapist

Entry 26

Told Saruman to invade Rohan today. Haha, he does everything I tell him to, although I suspect he has PLANS for himself. Well, I have PLANS for him. Once he's finished with Rohan, my armies will get him, and then his armies will be mine, and THEN we'll see how much he likes Barney reruns, Teletubbies videos, and the rack. I love being evil. Witless Saruman will never suspect a thing...

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Entry 27

That's it! I've had it. My therapist is a witless, brainless, asinine, crass, ignorant, retarded, addled, dense, obtuse, senseless, STUPID quack! I can say it again! I'm so happy! I realized that I was still just as stressed and angry with my extended vocabulary as I had been before. Stupid therapist. I fired him. Ha! I feel better already. Gotta do some more of this firing stuff. It's great fun.

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Entry 28

Stupid hobbits. I talked to one today, through that pretty shiny pair of glowing stones that Saruman and I own. Scared the stupid thing pretty good. He never said, but I'd bet HE is that Baggins freak. I do hope so. I miss MY RING. Curse that stupid Isildur who stole it from me! Hope Saruman caught him (the Baggins freak, not Isildur. He's dead. [Isildur]).

Stupid Nazgul are sulking because I won't let them show off their new uniforms across Anduin after midnight. Stupid Nazgul are just like stupid teenagers.

Fired one of the cooks for giving my Orcs good meat and causing them to get indigestion. Stupid cook.

Orcs are no better. Stupid Orcs. All I ever hear is, "Manflesh, give us tasty yummy manflesh!" Have caught a few turning to cannibalism. Ew. Ew! EW! Damn stupid Orcs.

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Entry 29

Stupid Shelob still refuses to learn Spit, or even bridge. I tried to trick her into learning 'poker War' but she's too smart for a spidey-thingy. Said if I tried to teach her any more card games, she'd eat me, Lord of Evility or no. ME, of all people! I am the Giant Flaming Eyeball of Doomness! V. insulted. -_-

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Entry 30

Have decided will not play Battleships with Denethor. Fighting a battle's much more fun. However, stupid Saruman isn't talking to me any more, sulking because Rohan beat his puny armies I'll bet. He'll pay. When I catch him I'll lock him up with my Pink Nazgul.

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	7. Damn Stupid Hobbits

Entry 31

Stupid armies are so stupid!! Went after Minas Tirith (a v. shiny white, but v. boring place) and their stupid army actually managed to hold out against me. The nerve!

Got really really angry, so I fired my stupid head Nazgul - actually, to be totally honest, it didn't matter because some stupid blonde chick and a stupid hairy hobbit killed him 0_o How rude!

How stupid. Those humans (sore losers!!) won't get away with this.

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Entry 32

Some stupid person stabbed Shelob! I heard about it from an Orc-scout from Minas Morgul. She's not dead (damn it, she should be! Stupid of her, really.), but what really matters is that SOME LITTLE TWERP managed to sneak into Mordor! I hope it's not some suicidal Elfy person. They're really really dangerous if they get cornered. Sent out Orc trackers to look for it. I can spare lots of Orc trackers, so if they die it's not biggy.

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Entry 33

I don't get it. I am the most powerful person in all of Middle-Earth. So WHY CAN'T I WIN THIS STUPID WAR??!!! Stupid Men. Stupid Elves. VERY stupid hobbits. Why can't I find MY RING? I knew I should have made a Teddy-bear of Power instead of a Ring. Rings are waaay too common. 

I'm starting to hate this job. -_-

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Entry 34

Stupid Men are coming up through Ithilien. Think they're gonna fight against me at the Black Gates. HA! As if. I'm at my best when I'm on my own territory. I'm gonna capture their leaders: Stupid old Gandalf-who-used-to-be-the-Grey-but-is-now-the-White (the bearded old geezer!! I'm gonna make him pay. :-|) and some idiot who calls himself King of Gondor. And I'm gonna run my Orc's version of The Sound Of Music by them again - and again - and again - and again! I'm starting to enjoy being evil again.

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Entry 35

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!! STUPID HOBBIT DESTROYED MY RING!!! I am sooo gonna scream. All my Nazgul are gone. X-0 All my Orcs are gone. For the first time in my life, I Sauron, the Great And Evil Flaming Eyeball of Doom And Winner of Many Card Games, have LOST!! To a SHORT PERSON WITH HAIRY FEET!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!

Damn stupid hobbits.

Being evil is the best job in the world - until the good people catch on and get to you. X,-0

But this is not the end. One day I will get them back.

If only I can get my resume accepted at McDonald's....


End file.
